2012-10-18 22:12

Kremlinology of Myself

Understanding what goes on inside my head is not easy for me. I am separated from the thing I am examining by subjectivity, and suffer a comprehensive observer effect that clobbers simple reporting and disables my comprehension.

So, it's rare that I have a moment where I feel one way or another in a clear manner. To me "How are you?" is confusing. I tend to hesitate for ten seconds while scrambling for the standard response, like the terminator scrolling through response trees. Usually my state is, I feel exactly like myself. I feel the way I feel, and I just have not put that in words, scales, and comparisons, much less one word.

Half the time it's easier for me to know how others feel. I look at my wife and I know. I look at my son and I can probably tell you if he got a good lunch at school today, and whether he won his last rock paper scissors match.

I can do that because I can see them. I can see their faces, and I know how they look, how they change, how they react, I know Juan does this thing with his lip when he's frustrated, I know Rosario puts her sweater backwards if she's distracted.

I have to get my self-status indirectly. I woke up early and rested. I look forward to working, or to doing something in the weekend. I attack a task with intensity, I avoid an encounter, I forget to start music, I abandon projects, I reach out to people, I can't come up with ideas, I make up excuses, I make a quick joke.

I have to wonder where that comes from, then. Who is the me doing those things I examine to decide how I feel? I feel like my head is a town and I sit in a cafe, in a street table, and listen to the passers-by, gauging the mood.

Sometimes, just sometimes, I wish I was simpler, and straightfrward. I wish I could do things without thinking so much. I wish I could react normally without intermediating myself in my own thoughts.

Of course maybe everyone does the same things. Maybe everyone is the same. Even if not the same, strange in the same way, just like things can be all different and part of a class, different in degrees and the same in essence.

I am fine, thanks. And you?


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