Not Doing That, and That's Fine.
During this quarantine, I have had productive periods and periods where I do very little. I have posted many videos, and at times no videos at all, same with code on FLOSS projects.
And that's fine.
We are all going through stuff and it's not by being bound by imaginary duties how we are going to go through them. We (oh, fuck we ... I) ... I am doing what I can.
So, do I have ideas about how to, say, explain
pyenv which would be useful and make
for a fun video? Sure. Do I also feel like sitting down in front of the microphone
and recording it would make my brain explode? Also yes.
I have enough real commitments. I have my wife, my son, my job (did I mention I was fired twice since February 14? I did! That's a new thing!) so other than for working hours why should I bother doing anything I don't want to do right then and there?
Is there any better time to swing your life a little hedonistic than when you can't leave your house? When the whole world is slowly going to crap? When all economies are sinking into a depression that would make all the other ones you have seen look like speed bumps?
Well, not my case, I am Argentinian, I have seen worse, and saw them in a much worse personal position, but in any case ... no, there isn't. Within what one can do, and knowing that not everyone can do the same, and refusing to be crushed by the guilt that causes ... I am in "try to have a reasonably good time" mode.
There will be time in a few months to pick up the pieces. There will be time to feel bad about decisions. There will be time to make the pyenv video. There will be time to fix what I am breaking, and lose the pounds I re-gained.
Or maybe not, after all I have had 1 and a half heart attacks! I am overweight! But hey, if I die it will not be my problem anymore, either.
Is this self-destructive behaviour? A bit. It's also, I suspect, self-preservation in the only ways I can find it. And that contradiction is yet one more reason to feel weird.
Let's try to feel weird and not bad.