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Fear of Being Discovered

It does­n't ma­tter what I am doin­g, be it wo­rk, a ho­bb­y, or just ta­lkin­g, I ha­ve a cons­tant fea­r, in the ba­ck­ground pro­ce­s­ses of my min­d, that I wi­ll be dis­co­ve­re­d, that I wi­ll be found to be a ha­ck, a frau­d, a con­man.

It does­n't ma­tter if I am ac­tua­lly a ha­ck at what I am doing at the ti­me, or if it's so­me­thing I am rea­lly good at, or if it's so­me­thing tha­t's im­po­s­si­ble to be a fraud at. That li­ttle voi­ce of in­se­cu­ri­ty is the­re, all the ti­me, sa­ying "the­y'­ll fi­gu­re you ou­t, the­y'­ll kno­w, the­y'­ll rea­li­ze you are fu­ll of cra­p".

I kno­w, ra­tio­na­ll­y, that I do­n't rea­lly su­ck at most of the things I do, and tho­se I su­ck at, I could do be­tte­r, be­cau­se I al­so ha­ve this other irra­tio­nal voi­ce te­lling me I can do pre­tty mu­ch eve­r­y­thin­g. I won­der if tho­se voi­ces are the sa­me thin­g, or if they are like the de­vil and an­gel in my shoul­der­s.

Being an in­tro­vert means I do­n't want to be sho­wn as a ha­ck, so I try to do things we­ll, so I am not rea­lly a ha­ck, so I am not sho­wn as a ha­ck. If I am con­sis­ten­tly not a ha­ck, I get in­sa­ne­ly con­fi­dent that I can do stu­ff I rea­lly can't do, be­cau­se I am a ha­ck at tho­se.

I speak in con­fe­ren­ce­s, whi­ch for an in­tro­vert is di­ffi­cul­t, but sin­ce I do­n't want to be a ha­ck, I try to fi­gu­re out how to do it, and it see­ms I am not bad at it, but be­fo­re I do it, eve­ry ti­me, I feel like a ha­ck, I know I should ha­ve do­ne my sli­des ear­lie­r, I should ha­ve re­hear­se­d, I should know what I am going to sa­y, and I did­n'­t, could­n'­t, do­n'­t.

Whe­ne­ver I ha­ve a pro­blem and google and see my own ear­lier fum­blings appear as re­sul­ts, I won­der if tha­t's ac­tua­lly the le­vel of kno­w­le­dge out the­re, if eve­r­yo­ne el­se is as mu­ch of a ha­ck as I am, and I des­pai­r. Then I try to fi­gu­re things out and do it be­tte­r, and pro­ba­bly stop being a ha­ck for a li­ttle bi­t.

I am an en­gi­ne fue­led by in­se­cu­ri­ty and neu­ro­sis. It's exhaus­tin­g. It's a lot of fun.

Nicola Larosa / 2012-12-15 19:58:

"That little voice of insecurity is there, all the time" I used to hear it too. It's gone a while ago. I barely remember how it is.
"I also have this other irrational voice telling me I can do pretty much everything." That one has always been there. I think it's not going away. I like it. It doesn't mean I *will* do everything but yes, I feel I can. It's a nice feeling.
"I am an engine fueled by insecurity and neurosis. It's exhausting. It's a lot of fun." Yes, it is. :-) However, we're not going to save the world. We're not going to ruin it either. We'll all die sooner than we wish to. It's going to be ok, relax. (The only good thing CouchDb had going. :-) ).

Jake / 2013-01-09 20:06:

You will feel better when you read this:
You don't know how many people I've met, that are unconsciously incompetent.
That means, their level of knowledge is so low, that they are not able to see their shortcomings. For the people around them I think it's pretty dangerous at times, since they get advice from a guy that gives the impression of knowing his stuff 100% while knowing nothing. You seem to fall into one of the later categories of the wiki article, your knowledge makes you realize your shortcomings, and thus gives you insecurity.
Funy isn't it? Stupid people feel great and invincible, smart guys doubt their powers and try to hide.

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