2019-06-26 14:44

Ten Perversions

This is something I wrote in 2007 for a site that is already dead.


I read once that the way to make crazy money in the internets to post lists and write non-fiction about sex.

Here's my attempt at bringing eight new perversions to this tired world.

Groucho Marx would have hated it, but nowadays there is always a club that will accept you if you are willing to accept that you want to join.

Do you enjoy watching apparently gay minotaurs? Have a perversion about people with extra members? Head for http://www.boytaur.net (and no, I will not explain how I knew about that site).

Are you aroused by the thought of stepping on bugs? Believe you are an animal trapped in a human body? The idea of alien mind control turns you on? Enjoy dildos made out of legos? There are places where you will not be considered a weirdo (but you are. Oh, yes you are).

  1. Logosphilia: Sexual arousement caused by knowledge. This word actually exists, at least as the title of a blog. I would explain more, but logosphiliacs know all about it, and for the rest of us it's an incredibly boring condition.

  2. Taediphilia: The taediphiliac enjoys boredom. However, this perversion is just sad. Imagine that boredom gives you wood. Wood entertains you. Entertainment kills the wood. And your life is a spin cycle of unfulfillment.

  3. Ortophilia: Being excited by what's right. This rare condition causes all kinds of strange symptoms. The sufferer prefers the missionary position, disdains oral sex, only feels sexual attraction to his spouse and actually means it when he says he would be happy to just cuddle.

  4. Uniformophilia: Excessive love for things that are regular. The rare uniformophiliac would love to have sex with twins, but he's too busy trimming his sideburns just right.

  5. Nihilophilia: Sexual perversion where you are attracted to the concept of nothing. Obviously masturbatory at the beginning, the subject soon realizes that when he is enjoying himself he is actually there, which kills the buzz. On a later stage, the nihiliphiliac pretends that he is excited but hiding it, when in reality he actually is not. Ergo, since noone is having fun, he finds that extremely exciting.

  6. Phobiophilia: Excessive enjoyment of one's fears. Noone confesses to this perversion, since admitting it in public would be scary, which would cause arousal, which would be embarrasing, unless the subject is also scared of audiences, which would make him enjoy the attention. It basically means that you would act completely against your own inclinations. All mountain climbers are acrophobic phobiophiliacs.

  7. Philiophilia: Sexual perversion where you try one perversion after another in vain search of one you actually enjoy. If that describes you, you are not an actual pervert. You are a boring person and just try to look interesting in a self-destructive and noisy manner.

  8. Albumistanumerophilia is the love of lists of numbers. And if you have it, you will hate the fact that this article ends here.

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