Fear of Being Discovered

It doesn't matter what I am doing, be it work, a hobby, or just talking, I have a constant fear, in the background processes of my mind, that I will be discovered, that I will be found to be a hack, a fraud, a conman.

It doesn't matter if I am actually a hack at what I am doing at the time, or if it's something I am really good at, or if it's something that's impossible to be a fraud at. That little voice of insecurity is there, all the time, saying "they'll figure you out, they'll know, they'll realize you are full of crap".

I know, rationally, that I don't really suck at most of the things I do, and those I suck at, I could do better, because I also have this other irrational voice telling me I can do pretty much everything. I wonder if those voices are the same thing, or if they are like the devil and angel in my shoulders.

Being an introvert means I don't want to be shown as a hack, so I try to do things well, so I am not really a hack, so I am not shown as a hack. If I am consistently not a hack, I get insanely confident that I can do stuff I really can't do, because I am a hack at those.

I speak in conferences, which for an introvert is difficult, but since I don't want to be a hack, I try to figure out how to do it, and it seems I am not bad at it, but before I do it, every time, I feel like a hack, I know I should have done my slides earlier, I should have rehearsed, I should know what I am going to say, and I didn't, couldn't, don't.

Whenever I have a problem and google and see my own earlier fumblings appear as results, I wonder if that's actually the level of knowledge out there, if everyone else is as much of a hack as I am, and I despair. Then I try to figure things out and do it better, and probably stop being a hack for a little bit.

I am an engine fueled by insecurity and neurosis. It's exhausting. It's a lot of fun.


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