---
author: ''
category: ''
date: 2012/12/05 18:48:07
description: ''
link: ''
priority: ''
slug: fear-of-being-discovered
tags: ''
title: Fear of Being Discovered
type: text
updated: 2012/12/05 18:48:07
url_type: ''
---
It doesn't matter what I am doing, be it work, a hobby, or just talking, I have a constant fear, in the background processes
of my mind, that I will be discovered, that I will be found to be a hack, a fraud, a conman.

It doesn't matter if I am actually a hack at what I am doing at the time, or if it's something I am really good at,
or if it's something that's impossible to be a fraud at. That little voice of insecurity is there, all the time,
saying "they'll figure you out, they'll know, they'll realize you are full of crap".

I know, rationally, that I don't really suck at most of the things I do, and those I suck at, I could do better,
because I also have this other irrational voice telling me I can do pretty much everything. I wonder if those
voices are the same thing, or if they are like the devil and angel in my shoulders.

Being an introvert means I don't want to be shown as a hack, so I try to do things well, so I am not really a 
hack, so I am not shown as a hack. If I am consistently not a hack, I get insanely confident that I can do 
stuff I really can't do, because I am a hack at those.

I speak in conferences, which for an introvert is difficult, but since I don't want to be a hack, I try
to figure out how to do it, and it seems I am not bad at it, but before I do it, every time, I feel like
a hack, I know I should have done my slides earlier, I should have rehearsed, I should know what I am 
going to say, and I didn't, couldn't, don't.

Whenever I have a problem and google and see my own earlier fumblings appear as results, I wonder if 
that's actually the level of knowledge out there, if everyone else is as much of a hack as I am, and
I despair. Then I try to figure things out and do it better, and probably stop being a hack for a 
little bit.

I am an engine fueled by insecurity and neurosis. It's exhausting. It's a lot of fun.